Every year, I write a blog post to recap my life. I’ve been so busy and feel creatively stunted. My writer’s block occurs when my emotions are in control. I felt like I was a better writer when my emotions were running havoc on my life. Now, I’m not so impulsive and my emotions do not rule over my actions. I feel passionate when I am in pain.
I love this blog. It helped me get out of a period that threatened to swallow me whole. It was easy to see my progress from beginning to end when all my words over the past 2 years were staring me in the face. My emotions have been on display and it’s very nerve-wracking. It’s aggravating when people degrade your art as if it were a diary. I write some of my poetry about how I’m feeling and sometimes about who inspired those feelings. My poetry isn’t centered around one individual; My poetry is about everything in my life that I experience and what others experience around me. I have that right, to write, regardless if someone feels put off about the things that are put into print.
I am always amazed that people take the time out of their day to read what I have to say. Wishful Thinking has grown into more than I expected. My two-year anniversary of my blog passed in September. One love letter to myself started it all. Love is Shit. I don’t disagree 2 years later, but I think I understand a lot more than I did before. Love is life, and sometimes life can be a little shitty. So, instead of a poem tonight I’m going to explain my life when I was writing the poems. An explanation of my life between the lines. Enjoy!
In the end of 2017 sadness and anger controlled me. The things I experienced, I experienced it alone. I had about two people in my life that knew what was happening. The rest thought it was just over hurt feelings and I had lost it.
At the time I walked away from my closest friends. Looking back, I’m glad I did it. They encouraged my bad attitude and behavior, because they thought it was funny! In result of closing one door, another door opened and led to the friendships I have to this day. These relationships that I’ve built have made me a better person overall. I’m very grateful to the beautiful people in my life.
In the start of 2018, it felt like I was putting random pieces of myself together so I would appear to be okay. It was hard trying to differentiate if I was heartbroken over someone, or something I had to give up. In life they don’t prepare you for the hard things. You think it’s all in the movies or TV shows and then, Bam! Life hits and it’s real. I’m still not comfortable sharing. I spent a long time wanting someone to validate that what I was feeling was okay; That having nightmares, breakdowns, and fits of angry outburst were normal. I felt so self-destructive. I was dramatic, because what I felt was real. Many people had their opinions, and I just wanted someone to say what I was feeling was normal. I felt crazy, with no control over my emotions, and no recognition of myself. I was mean, cynical, careless, and stubborn.
In December 2018, I hit rock bottom, blaming people that didn’t even know what I was going through. I expected people to have empathy, and all they saw was me spiraling. I gave no explanation. It was a turning point for me. Great things did come out of 2018; Friends , new opportunities, and experiences came my way. With everything I accomplished in my sadness it didn’t take away how I felt. It was like I was in the dark and there were lights that came on, but they faded too fast for me to see where I was going. That December to January I had shared with a friend of mine and found she understood having gone through the same. She told me I was right to feel the way I did. I wasn’t being dramatic, or crazy for no reason. It was natural. People process things differently; for the first time I felt like that cloud above my head wasn’t so heavy and dark.
Now, just because I realized what I was feeling was natural, did not take away from the things I did. The feelings I put people through. Who I hurt. That was another thing I had to go through entirely.
I had to accept I wasn’t the only one hurting.
I wasn’t the only one heartbroken.
I was not the only one.
My poetry was good, but when I read back my feelings were selfish. I was demanding for someone to hear me, to listen. When all I did was yell, and point my finger. All I wanted was an, “I’m sorry”, and I couldn’t even genuinely give it. It’s sad, but it’s real. We claim strength while still blaming others for our pain. I stopped being angry when I realized we are all in pain.
I didn’t stop being sad. I lost some thing I didn’t even realize I had, or wanted.
I’m allowed that, to be sad. I was heartbroken. It doesn’t have to last long to be real. It was real, at least for me. I’m allowed to be sad. I was not allowed to justify hurting others, because I was hurting. I had to really get to know myself again.
January of 2019, I wrote White Rose. White Rose is a poem that explains metaphorically what I had lost and the start of my healing process. 2019 was about healing.
I can truly say last year was incredible.
I worked on myself. My confidence is back. I apologized to those I hurt, including myself. Though, I couldn’t apologize to everyone I would have liked to. There’s still conversation to be had outside of what I can write in a poem. A conversation that has to be had face to face. I’m not forcing anything. I’m living my life. I’m not sitting and waiting for something to happen. Closure is not for anyone, but ourselves. No one can heal us, but ourselves. No one is going to make us feel whole, we have to do that. We should only add to a persons life, not be it’s entirety. Last year I met amazing people. I had experiences people only dream of. I lived my life. I still get sad some days. My anxiety still makes me overthink everything, but my emotions no longer control me. There are days I have this feeling like I’m missing someone, or something. I cannot explain it, because I’m still confused myself.
I guess I have more to write after all.
-AB
Wishful Thinking 
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