I used to think that love could make time stop, but he taught me that time is irrelevant.
He could infuriate me like no one else, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more exasperated with another human being. Still, I could never bring myself to intentionally hurt him. The fear of missing out on something so painfully real simply outweighed all logic.
Colors seemed more vibrant and life felt clearer when I was with him. It was clarity amidst insanity. I barely managed to survive the pain of his absence, checking on him one last time before finally leaving him to memory.
I never imagined it was possible to care for someone this deeply despite having so few chances to be physically close. Now I understand that a single moment can captivate you. Without even realizing it, you give away a piece of yourself that you can never reclaim.
God, he was an addiction.
He was a devil’s bargain made
in the back of a cab,
in a hotel room,
and on a rooftop.
Most people never experience those remarkable moments usually reserved for fiction. I constantly questioned the reasons behind our meeting and the act of pretending to be something we weren’t. I wondered why I held such high expectations for someone I barely touched, yet knew all too well. Even after we went our separate ways, I found myself pondering him late at night. Despite being with someone else, I felt like I was living out his greatest fear: settling for mediocrity. I couldn’t understand why, when my life was finally peaceful, I craved chaos and longed to find him again. That feeling outlasted our time together, haunting the depths of my mind, hidden and unspoken.
He was a secret.
He was my secret.
He was many things.
He resorted to lies to achieve his desires, and in moments of uncertainty, his insecurities threatened every happy thought we had. He lived in constant dread of becoming the monster he feared. Yet, despite his flaws, he was a dreamer amidst his deceit. He was an actor performing on a stage, commanding demons to bend to his will. He effortlessly adopted these personas, embodying the characters from his own script.
To me, he was captivating. He was a handsome man resembling a flawed beast. No matter what face he showed, whether genuine or a facade, he was unchanging. He was ethereal, even if he was unaware of it or undeserving of the title.
He was my biggest disappointment and one of the best choices I ever made.
It was fucking beautiful.
And now, it’s over.
Asia~Blue
Letter about an Old Lover
31st December 2023
New Years Eve
London, England
(This letter means a lot to me on a personal level. It took time and effort to process my emotions while writing it. I have chosen not to share the full contents in order to protect the privacy and peace of my current life, out of respect for myself and others. However, I can say that this letter is one of my favorites that I have ever written. I have reached a point where I am ready to share it with all of you, so you can now appreciate it too. Goodbye to the past. Enjoy reading it!)
Wishful Thinking 
Leave a comment